Helping a child is one of the most natural acts in the adult world. It’s in the automatic reflex of bending down when we hear «I can’t,» in the hand that reaches out when we see something about to fall, in the voice that says «I’ll do it» before the attempt is even finished. The problem isn’t helping itself, but when we help too soon, too quickly, or too completely. There, without realizing it, we may be depriving the child of one of the most important experiences in their development: the opportunity to discover their own capabilities.
From the perspective of child psychology, we understand that asking for help is a healthy skill. A child who asks for help isn’t weak; they are aware of their limitations. However, we also know that problem-solving is learned by solving problems, not by observing how others do it. Jean Piaget explained that children construct their thinking through action. In other words, thinking isn’t something that appears by magic; it develops when a child tries, makes mistakes, adjusts, and tries again. When an adult intervenes immediately, this process is interrupted.
Herein lies a key question for mothers and fathers: when to help and when not to? The answer isn’t to leave children alone or to become their official problem solvers. Help is necessary when a child is in danger, when the problem is clearly beyond their abilities, or when frustration is so great that it blocks any learning. But there are many other times when a child can succeed, even if it’s difficult, takes longer, or isn’t perfect. Donald Winnicott spoke of the importance of a «good enough» adult, not a perfect one. An adult who knows when to be available but also when to withdraw. This idea is crucial because excessive help can send silent but very powerful messages: «This is too difficult for you,» «You can’t do it without me,» «It’s better not to try.» Over time, these messages can transform into insecurity, fear of making mistakes, and low frustration tolerance. Lev Vygotsky helps us better understand this balance with his concept of the Zone of Proximal Development. It’s that space where a child can’t yet solve something alone, but can with appropriate guidance. Herein lies the true role of the adult: not to do things for the child, but to help them think. To be a temporary scaffold that is removed when the structure can stand on its own.
In everyday life, this is seen in simple things. A child trying to put on their shoes and asking for help doesn’t always need us to put them on. Sometimes they need us to say, «Start with this foot,» «Remember how you did it yesterday?» or simply to be nearby while they try. When the adult does everything, the result is quick, but the learning is minimal. When the child succeeds with support, the learning is deep and lasting, because they haven’t just learned an action; they’ve learned that they can.
Many parents worry when their children get frustrated. Frustration is uncomfortable, it hurts, and we want to erase it. But psychologist Carol Dweck has shown that children develop greater resilience when they understand that making mistakes is part of the process. Validating their emotions is fundamental: “I see you’re upset,” “I understand it won’t work the first time,” but validating doesn’t mean solving the problem. It means being there for them without intruding.
It’s also important to understand that not all requests for help are related to incapacity. Sometimes children ask for help because they’re tired, because they’re seeking attention, because they’re afraid of making mistakes, or because they want connection. In those cases, more than a solution, they need presence. Phrases like “I trust you can try” or “I’ll be there with you while you do it” strengthen autonomy without breaking the bond.
Raising capable children doesn’t mean demanding early independence or leaving them alone to face their difficulties. It means teaching them to think, to try, to tolerate mistakes, and to trust themselves. Every time we resist the urge to solve everything for them, we’re giving them a silent but powerful opportunity to grow. Because ultimately, helping them well isn’t about taking away their problems, it’s about teaching them that they can face them. And even if the process is sometimes slower, more chaotic, or ends with a minor meltdown over a cookie that didn’t turn out as expected, right there, in that imperfect attempt, a skill is being formed that will serve them for life.
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